beach

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ocean made her feel at ease. the gentle sound of waves spilling over rocks in the distance calmed her. if it wouldn’t be january, she’d be walking bare feet. running even. sand sipping through her toes, hair whipping in the wind, lips forming an effortless smile. maybe she should start running again, jogging. buy herself a pair of yoga pants and a white t-shirt, come here every morning and run down the beach. perhaps it would make her feel better. it has been two weeks since she last stood at an airport. there was summer in new zealand. there was summer in australia. in south african republic. there was so many places in the world where she could be right now. yet she chose to stay.

she started walking again and buried her hands inside the deep pocket of her woollen cardigan. she forced herself to move her gaze away from the soothing ocean, down to the sand beneath her pink flowery plimsolls. she wasn’t the only one trying to calm her soul on the beach this evening. a tall figure was walking towards her and she was ready to avert her eyes the other way if the person hadn’t spoken her name when only a few meters stood between them. she stopped still, her forehead forming a frown. ‘’yes?’’ she spoke up with uncertainty and made those few steps towards the man. and now knew why his voice held a tang of familiarity. but it’s been fifteen years since she actually talked to anyone from her hometown. she most certainly did not expect to encounter victor olivera this soon. or at all.

‘’oh. hi,’’ she quickly corrected herself and made the last few steps towards him. ‘’I am sorry. I almost couldn’t have recognized you,’’ she explained her previously hesitant approach and then looked up to him. dark olive skin, black hair, intense eyes. in a way he was the same. but last time she saw him, he was twenty one years old. in a way they were all still kids back then. even if they all were married. ‘’well it’s been a while. I haven’t been around much since… fifteen years actually,’’ she left the first sentence simply hanging there between them. since the wedding, since the sudden departure, since her turning out to be a major disappointment. ‘’you too…’’ she nodded slowly and then averted conversation away from herself: ‘’so how have you been? how’s emma?’’

it never occurred to her these sorts of random meetings will become a frequent thing in the next few weeks. oceanside wasn’t a metropolis. people you know, or once knew in her case, were all around. you could just run across the street to get the newspaper for the day. and someone you know will be right next to the newspapers stand. you will have to say hello and you will have to be polite. because people don’t think of you too highly and aren’t too fond of you since you broke someone’s heart for no reason whatsoever. this meeting right here, this coincidence was just the first one. ‘’oh, I see. where did you go?’’ she asked without thinking twice. the next piece of news surprised her, which was probably evident in the way her mouth parted and how she stared back at him. emma and he didn’t make it? oh.

she knew emma better than she knew him but on occasion they all hung out together. even went to a double date once. it was ages ago, ages. more than a decade even. ‘’I am sorry to hear that. I always thought you two were great together,’’ perhaps it was the polite thing to say. she added a small smile and then only nodded slightly at the mention of leo. she actually hadn’t talked to him since they divorced. she wrote him an e-mail when they had to deal with papers. ‘’it was a long time ago. and we don’t… really talk. we haven’t talked since I left,’’ she added and bit down on her lip. he probably hated her, or maybe not since so many time has gone by.

‘’a professor? sounds… amazing. well, we all knew you were going places,’’ she gave him a wide bright smile. it pleased her too see he succeeded in life. she hoped leo did too. heck, she hoped everyone did. ‘’I’m sorry to hear for your dad,’’ without thinking twice her hand landed on his shoulder, giving him a gentle comforting squeeze. her parents were still alive (more or less) and kicking (more or less). no matter the bad terms they were on, she was glad they were healthy (yes, more or less). ‘’I can’t believe you remember that,’’ she laughed at the mention of her daydreams in kindergarten: ‘’I was actually thinking about that two or three years ago. I was in athens at the time, right on the acropolis. and you, um, it just… came to mind.’’

‘everywhere’ was a really vague word, she suddenly decided. under any other circumstances the word would grant solid satisfaction. but right now, she wanted to know more. he was always smart as hell. they never had any classes together as he was a little older than her, but she knew it. heck, everyone knew it. it was good to know people from her hometown made it. they succeeded out there in the world. ‘’you sound like me,’’ she laughed when she finally got the full itinerary. he travelled the world, she probably travelled more but… still. ‘’africa is amazing. madagascar. the ivory coast…’’ her voice trailed off, it would be so easy to get lost in memories of travelling. but for some reason she never discussed her voyages with anyone. perhaps it was a matter of habit – she travelled alone and there never was anyone to talk to about this things.

with a nod she concluded the topic of his ex-wife. it was obvious it was not something he wanted to discuss in details. she could relate. maybe she never loved leo and maybe the divorce was her choice, but she did care about him and talking about her only marriage only brought guilt and grief to the surface. ‘’it’s always great to be passionate about your job. you seem to be. students must adore you,’’ she wasn’t simply throwing compliments around, she honestly believed that. especially female students, but that was a minor point.

‘’I had a dream,’’ she shrugged, which was her answer to the whole kindergarten thing. she actually said those words only once – shared her dream future – and it was then with him. it was amazing he even remembered. ‘’I had pigtails. and pink flowery dresses. of course I was adorable,’’ she laughed it away even if it did please her to some extent he found her scruffy four year old self adorable. ‘’to tell you the truth… it certainly was in my intentions to stay here. settle down, I guess. but I’m not sure I can actually do it. it hasn’t even been two weeks and I’m already wandering around here on the beach, looking for a way out,’’ her explanation made sense. yet it was obvious she was torn between two wants. because a part of her wanted to see whatever else there was yet to see, the other one wanted someone there with her. but how to find someone to love when you don't have the slightest clue what love feels like?